Tuesday, February 19, 2013

adoption, the hard and ugly

If you know us personally you know we have had our ups and downs with bringing Hope and Benjamin home.  We read a lot before adopting them and tried to prepare ourselves and our bio kids as much as we could, as best as we could.  You dream of bringing new children into your home and having everyone love each other fully.  It sadly doesn't happen like that, in a perfect world maybe but we don't live in one.

Here is a, heartbreaking for me, example...

A few nights ago the 3 youngest kids were playing "she's my mama, no she's my mama"...  Playfully bantering back and forth until Andrew wanted to win.  He suddenly blurts out, "Benjamin, she is not your mama because your mama is in Africa, this is my mama not yours".  OUCH to my heart!  My heart sunk and anger stirred.  We know that Andrew has had a hard time accepting Benjamin, a very hard time.  This is not the case with Hope, he loved having a baby in the house.  Andrew has been the most changed of the kids.  When we came home from Rwanda Andrew acted differently toward Rusty and I and he obviously did not like Benjamin, he even told us so, although his actions spoke loudly enough.  There has been some healing in their relationship but I was made aware that we have a long way to go.  I want Andrew to call Benjamin brother and mean it.  I do think that Andrew loves him but deep down there is resentment and anger that he is holding onto.  Scripture tells us  in Proverbs 4:23 Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.  That comment from Andrew tells me what is on his heart.  So how do we handle this, in many ways.  I talked to Andrew and then Rusty was told what happened and he addressed it as well.  Benjamin let it roll off (or so I think), he didn't seem to get it.  

I encourage the boys to play together and even let Andrew be the leader...

I know that Andrew is sad and probably mad that Aubrey and Carter are in FL and he is here.  He was supposed to go but he has been sick with the flu or something.  He ended up losing 14 pounds and he was just not well enough to go in my opinion and he understood but the others call and tell what all they have done and have seen and it is hard.  And in a moment of frustration he let his heart overflow with the ugliness that is hidden there.

All of this brings up the topic of birth moms.  We have really not talked about Benjamin's birth mom with him, we know nothing of her.  We are waiting for him to ask the right question to open that door.  He knows that he is dark brown and we are white and he knows that the 3 bio kids grew in my stomach but has never asked about himself.  He will tell you with words that he was born in Rwanda, not sure if he really knows what that means. 

It would not be fair if I did not mention that our family as a whole has had an easier time with Hope than with Benjamin and I truly feel like it all has to do with her being 1 when we came home and Benjamin being almost 4.  He had 3 more years of independence and 3 more years of no one calling him theirs and the list goes on.  

Adoption brings out your worst and even your best BUT it seems that the worst that comes out, it is a level of worst that you didn't even know you had.  It's just the hard ugly truth.

3 comments:

Juanita said...

Thank you for sharing this! Our bio son has had so much difficulty with Ezra. There is 5 years between them and this means that Liam was an only child for 8 years before his 'peaceful' world spun out of control. It has been humbling and difficult to see other adoptive siblings out there seem to have no problem loving on and accepting their new sibling(s) and realising that although Liam loves Ezra, he mostly tollerates him day to day. I'm not happy that your family is dealing with this, but I do appreciate knowing that we're not the only ones with a bio kid resentment. Liam told me that he thinks it would be easier if Ezra was a baby or closer to his age... makes sense to me.
Anyways, thanks for sharing--please let me know if you figure out any magical solution :)

Courtney said...


"Adoption brings out your worst and even your best BUT it seems that the worst that comes out, it is a level of worst that you didn't even know you had."

so true. thanks for your honesty! makes me feel not so alone...

Courtney said...

ps. will be praying for your andrew!